easycompany: (Default)
ɐɹnɐl ★ laura ([personal profile] easycompany) wrote2011-03-08 02:36 pm
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thanks for the lesson on dirty dancing

remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.

being hungover is not a good excuse. did neil armstrong say the moon was too far away? NO! he built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

if i gave him a gold star every time i orgasm, his room would look like he's freaking king midas.

Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"

Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you

I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.

You are an awesome peach made of glitter.

I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment

Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.

It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone

He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila

Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.

Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.

I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds

We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.

I lost my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(

It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.

It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!

Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases

Is this like a preordered booty call?

You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"

did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?

Can't feel body but making pizza rolls

I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.

No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on

I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.

Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum

I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the office?





ganesha: (Default)

[personal profile] ganesha 2015-07-10 05:44 pm (UTC)(link)
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.

I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.

Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night

This place is a maelstrom of dicks. I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!

Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
coy: (Default)

[personal profile] coy 2015-08-07 06:42 pm (UTC)(link)
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.

...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.

Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?

gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH

Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime

I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.

People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas

Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night


Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....

Sorry about my life...

I'm asking for a friend

We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
chopshopper: (Default)

[personal profile] chopshopper 2015-09-01 06:19 am (UTC)(link)
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.

I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants

Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.


I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret

how did you set a fucking salad on fire

At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.

Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
elska: (Default)

[personal profile] elska 2015-09-01 06:25 am (UTC)(link)
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.

So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.

Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...

Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops

The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos

hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all night dodging bullets

if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it

And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit

Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.

I am naked and annoyed.

This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
elska: (Default)

[personal profile] elska 2015-09-11 03:34 pm (UTC)(link)


The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to

coy: (Default)

[personal profile] coy 2015-09-16 06:15 pm (UTC)(link)
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?

I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
coy: (Default)

[personal profile] coy 2015-10-02 03:51 pm (UTC)(link)

caroline ^

^ gaby

^ peggy

elska: (Default)

[personal profile] elska 2015-10-09 06:32 pm (UTC)(link)



atmosphered: (Default)

[personal profile] atmosphered 2015-12-10 02:21 am (UTC)(link)
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being

I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.

How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?

I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.

Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.

Don't judge me. his dick just whispers my name

You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.

Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?

From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.

My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.

too bad burritos don't cuddle back

Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
elska: (Default)

[personal profile] elska 2015-12-11 04:26 pm (UTC)(link)


blowonthese: (Default)

[personal profile] blowonthese 2015-12-18 04:52 pm (UTC)(link)



Edited 2015-12-18 16:52 (UTC)
leyed: (Default)

[personal profile] leyed 2016-01-08 07:46 pm (UTC)(link)
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"

In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk

I have already put on my inside pants.

I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...

... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.

If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together

I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.

It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude

I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not

You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.

also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
compressor: (Default)

[personal profile] compressor 2016-01-15 06:12 pm (UTC)(link)
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.

You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.

I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity

That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza

The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far

Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.

carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.

Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?

is that a dick in a sweater?
leyed: (Default)

[personal profile] leyed 2016-01-22 03:37 pm (UTC)(link)





leyed: (Default)

[personal profile] leyed 2016-01-29 03:27 pm (UTC)(link)




leyed: (Default)

[personal profile] leyed 2016-03-11 04:15 pm (UTC)(link)





Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
coy: (Default)

[personal profile] coy 2016-04-29 02:43 pm (UTC)(link)



taskforced: (Default)

[personal profile] taskforced 2016-05-13 04:00 am (UTC)(link)




coy: (Default)

[personal profile] coy 2016-06-01 01:00 am (UTC)(link)
Pants are for mortals
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex

coy: (Default)

[personal profile] coy 2016-06-03 02:44 pm (UTC)(link)



Edited 2016-06-03 14:44 (UTC)

(no subject)

[personal profile] elska - 2017-02-17 15:16 (UTC) - Expand

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