ɐɹnɐl ★ laura
08 March 2011 @ 02:36 pm
thanks for the lesson on dirty dancing

remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.

being hungover is not a good excuse. did neil armstrong say the moon was too far away? NO! he built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

if i gave him a gold star every time i orgasm, his room would look like he's freaking king midas.

Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"

Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you

I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.

You are an awesome peach made of glitter.

I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment

Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.

It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone

He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila

Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.

Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.

I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds

We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.

I lost my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(

It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.

It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!

Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases

Is this like a preordered booty call?

You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"

did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?

Can't feel body but making pizza rolls

I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.

No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on

I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.

Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum

I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the office?